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I want to get another post up. I need to head to bed . . . the stories I have started in my head will take too long to write . . . so, here is the best representation I can put into words that represents the whirlwind of thoughts going on in my head at this moment in time. My 4 year old has this game that annoys me and brings me the utmost joy all at the same time. She'll whisper, "Guess what, mom?" and I have to reply "What?" (because I've tried variations and was told that was wrong and I need to say what. So, I say "what?" and she'll reply back " I love you!" and I then have to (yes have to - see the lines before) say "Yay!!!!" and cheer. Then, I have to ask her, "Guess what, Mia?" and she says what? and I say "I love you." and she replies "Yay!" and cheers very loudly. It makes my heart so happy. Until like the 20th time in a row....then I'm wondering if I can change the question or the response...and I try to but that is met with resistance. Still, even in my annoyance with the repetition, my heart is full and I want the moment to last forever. My two older daughters used to do something similar. My favorite memory is when I was potty training them and we were at Target and they both HAD to go immediately to the restroom. I took them there, put them each in neighboring stalls, balance them on the seat and then I stand on the other side of the toilet doors holding them shut (so they don't lock themselves in), and I can see their little feet swinging in the air as they hum and sing while peeing. Some ladies come and go, and then instead of singing, one daughter says, "Mommy, I love you!" and I smile and laugh because the Target bathroom is not where you imagine talks of love to be occurring . . .the other daughter then shouts, "I love you MORE!" and then they keep going getting louder and louder with their cries of "I love my Mommy!" And, that memory, along with others, is so special because, as teenagers, those free declarations of love and affection become much more rare. My daughter is talking to her friends using video chat and I love hearing their lively chatter. Brings back memories of my high school years. I don't know that I would want to be a higher schooler in today's world....or in school. Covid and on-line learning and virtual and in person learning and so on is such a hot mess and so many things that would be a right of passage moment kind of thing just can't happen and that's sad. . . or it's life . . . or it is what it is. I'm a control freak. I hate not being able to control things. But, that's also life. So much isn't in your control and you just have to deal and move on. I know that and I do that, but I'll also complain about it. Today was my mom's birthday. I love her. She is an amazing woman who I wish was born a few decades later so that she could have realized more of her potential. We have a lot in common. And a lot that I'm seeing we differ very greatly in. This confuses me and saddens me at times. Politics and religion . . . the great dividers of family and friends. But, love is stronger, more powerful. I should go to sleep. I hate that I have terrible insomnia and restless legs and that I snore. . . I'm tired. My mom says that putting a bar of soap at the foot of my bed will cure the restless legs - she read it in her pharmacy column. One of the things that even though I love my mom and believe she is intelligent, I just want to slap my hand to my face and shake my head. Which brings me to disinformation . . . well, I don't feel up to going there right now . . . but ugh. Just because someone sounds trustworthy or looks trustworthy or claims to know it all . . . well that right there is a red flag -- you claim to know it all, I already know you are a fraud. Even science knows that the more we learn, the more we know that there is so much more to learn. My nose is stuffed up and runny. How can it be both? That just doesn't sound right, but it is. My head hurts. My throat is sore from the drainage . . . darn cedar fever. And, yeah, I know that's what it is. I get it every year around this time. My daughter and her friends are doing math. I haven't done math since I was a junior in high school. She just said, "It's either 10 or 100." I'm thinking (but not saying out loud) those are vastly different answers. I don't want to wake up early to go to work. I'm fine once I'm up, but 5:30 AM is NOT a time for people to be up and moving and having to think clearly. This one long paragraph reminds me of when I first started teaching and I had to teach freshman English. Every essay, okay not every but almost, was written in one, long paragraph - sometimes without punctuation. I hated grading essays. I feel much empathy for teachers of language arts and English. They don't really teach spelling or grammar anymore, and that drives me nuts. Of course, this "story" is activating my OCD for correct grammar and ...what's the word....ugh....um...style? FORMAT. Yeah. But, I promised myself (in my head) that I would just type and not worry about any of that, and that I would NOT go back and edit it when I finished. Now it's 10 PM and I need to shower and wash my hair... and I just heard my daughter say the same and I should go and get in first so that she doesn't use up all the hot water....maybe that makes me a bad mom for thinking about doing that....maybe it makes me a smart one. Or both. My husband is in bed probably still awake and waiting for me to climb in so he can wrap himself around me and snuggle. I love that... for about 15 minutes. Then it's too hot and I feel trapped.....I'm lucky that he understands, and once he feels me starting to wiggle, he knows time is up. His love for me surprises me every day. Not sure how I got so lucky or deserving, but he sees me and knows me and loves me anyway. Which circles back to love. I like a sense of symmetry. Love makes the world tolerable. Love makes everything better. So, good night, and I hope that this ridiculous writing makes you shake your head and roll your eyes and think about the people you LOVE -- despite the disagreements, misunderstandings, confusions, warts, wrinkles, burps and farts, jiggly butts, and all the things that we rationalize as 'reasons' for ourselves to be unloveable --- LOVE sees and feels and knows all of these and more, and despite, or because, LOVE chooses to accept and stay.
LOVE. It's a grand thing.
In Kindness & Peace.☮
K. Baker
